That girl from Transformers and some guy we never heard of just broke up. Let's face it: they're both young, hot, and rich. And now they're single. Save your prayers.

Britney takes one step forward, two steps back.

So some movie called Dark Knight is coming out, I guess? 6 more minutes of footage are online. Huh. Haven't even heard of this movie. Is this even being advertised?

PETA wants Sharon Stone to get a brain exam to see if anything is wrong. Well duh! We've been saying that for years!

Have a great 4th of July weekend everyone! If Angelina doesn't bust between now and Sunday, Sister Mary may come back Monday with a bit of a temper. In the meantime, is there a better way to celebrate Independence Day than Tom Cruise's birthday? Well...probably.

Hi children, this is Sister Terry today subbing in for Sister Mary. She decided to get an early start on the July 4th weekend by taking a trip to France to see for herself if and when these Angelina babes are born. No new word, but from what I understand she hasn’t gotten in the room yet (she’s yelling and screaming in the lobby right now). Best of luck to her.

That said, I never realized that we had a lack of celebrities to temporarily replicate in wax. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for making another Tyra. Isn’t one enough? It’s not like two of them cancel each other out, though that would be convenient. Sweet angels, this just sets all sorts of precedent. First Tyra, what next? Heidi Montag? Paris Hilton? Inanimate objects? Come to think of it, it wouldn’t make much sense to make a wax statue of an inanimate object. It’s already not moving. But I digress. Children, let our prayers be answered and somebody crank up the heat at this wax museum so Tyra can melt and save us from this strange doppelganger.

You can blame the economy if you want, but you’d be wrong. It should come as no surprise that Katie Holmes couldn’t convince people to slap down $100+ bucks for a play. Reportedly the play All My Sons has yet to even break $1 million (which, for plays of this size, is a big deal). If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If I wouldn’t pay $10 to see Katie Holmes in some cineplex snorefest, I’m not going to watch her trot around a stage in heavy make-up pretending to be a thespian. Saints alive, I am vicious today. I suppose sooner or later the Scientologists will show a united front and snatch up the rest of the tickets, so not all is lost. Keep it together, Katie. If you can’t get bonafide Broadway goers to see your next big move, at least you’ll have a theater full of Xenu ‘n Friends.

“Operation Keep Amy Winehouse Alive” is being surprisingly efficient. Just today, her record label has put Amy Winehouse on house arrest to make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble. How can they even do that? Does Island Records have a secret police? Well, it is England. Maybe Sister Mary can stop by after the precious Brangelina babes are born and get some answers. Anyway, apparently security has been set up everywhere, Amy’s is only allowed to have visitors that have pre-approved appointments, and no drug dealers. I think that knocks out all of her friends right there. Personally, I approve of this secret police measure. The girl has/had a beautiful voice and she’s a real great, young talent. It’s a shame to see her throw it away. Even if she doesn’t care about saving her voice –and herself, I do, because I want more records from her, gosh darnit! Amen.

Corey Feldman has reportedly gone under the knife recently to fix some problem areas and cut out the fat. Apparently, his wifey wife had gotten a boob job recently and Corey felt threatened by her successful surgery. No, he didn’t get himself his own boob job. That would be really, really weird. He just took a few folds of fat out of the mix. Now I don’t know what kind of career Corey thinks he has in front of him – rising action star, he ain’t – but when you’re Corey Feldman, the thing holding you back isn’t a little flab on the spare tire. It’s because you’re Corey Feldman. Corey, I wish you the best of luck in you future endeavors and we pray that your no-doubt messed up childhood hasn’t wrecked you completely, but we got to face facts here. Even if you trim the fat, you still look like a giant adult baby-man. I’m just sayin’!

Shannon Doherty has edged out Tori Spelling in role of 90210's most pathetic comeback character ever.

Judge decides TMZ does not have to take down the Mini-Me sex tape. Reportedly, the judge was still angry from having seen Love Guru the weekend before.

Daniel Radcliffe has obviously never seen Trainspotting. Or the new Harry Potter is really, really weird.

DMX got arrested today. Nope, not talking about that arrest. Nuh-uh, not that one either.

Ok, I am truly starting to care less at this point and the whole thing is giving me a headache. Either Guy and Madonna get a divorce or they have to prove they are still together by having sexy time in public somewhere ‘cause kids I am over the guessing game. Last night, on the heels of divorce rumors, Guy and Madonna went for a little dinner, entered the restaurant and exited holding hands and looking all lovey-dovey. Ugh…make up your minds. On top of all that, Madonna’s publicist released yet another press release saying that Guy and Madonna are fine, Madge is not boinking any baseball players (at the moment, anyway) and all the rumors about her and Lil Wayne aren’t true. Beg pardon? Lil’ Wayne rumors? When did that happen and where was I? Sister Agnes and I have started burning Madonna records in protest. Of course we started with the craptastic ones like…the remake of “American Pie” and that one with the song “Hollywood” on it where she raps. Hopefully this gets all cleared up before I have to set fire to “Ray of Light.”

Here’s another rumor mill story that’s giving me a stroke. Did Santa Angelina have her damn twins or not? Yesterday, they reported she spat them out and now supposedly she hasn’t even gone into labor yet. What is the problem? Just tell us whether or not she’s given birth…we aren’t asking for her social security numbers and bank codes, for goodness sakes. Now we are being told that we are moments away from a press conference where the doctor will update us on Angie’s condition. Umm…thanks, we know her condition…she’s crazy, thank you very much. For now, let’s just say prayers that I don’t have a stroke waiting for a damn answer on the kids. After the press conference, we can all go back to praying Angie has a set of healthy pretty little angel twins that will make Maddox question his own beauty. I love sibling rivalry.

I know it’s a slow July week with the holiday and all but when one of the big news stories of the day is that they make be making a Friends movie…it’s time to close the drapes, turn on the air conditioner and take a nap ‘til August. Yes, it’s true some idiot at some movie studio thinks that Friends: the Movie will be as big if not bigger than Sex and the City: the Movie. Please fire this person immediately, dear sweet angels of heaven. The cast is said to be excited, and why wouldn’t they…they’re all 10 minutes from making laxative commercials and infomercials for thigh master. I can’t imagine what kind of a script would be exciting enough for a Friends movie unless of course it starts with a gas leak, a lit match and someone else taking over the lease who is younger and prettier and more interesting than the original cast. Wow, this oatmeal I am eating must be spiked with anger and bitterness ‘cause I am cranky as hell.

I can’t believe that this little lady is only 22 years old today. Talk about living fast, kids…that child looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet. Let that be a lesson to all of you who have a bottle of beer in your hand right now (it’s morning so that would mean all my readers from Arkansas…you know who you are): drinking will make you age. Now granted, Linds is clean now, supposedly, and a lesbian and back to working like a normal actress but that whole period she spent drinking like Liza Minnelli on a binge hasn’t made her a very pretty lass. Let’s pray that Lindsay’s paycheck for her new movie goes towards something smart…like a down payment on a love nest for her and her lady lover…and may the rest of it go towards a chemical peel, a boob lift and good weave. Amen.

Courtney Love didn't actually attempt suicide. Apparently, some people just really really wish she did.

Evil step-sisters? Check. Their evil mother? Check. Being the Lohan half-sister is actually a lot like being Cinderella, but trust us, there will be no happily ever ending.

New Kids on the Block aren't content with just embarrassing themselves - say "welcome back" to New Edition!

All that time Britney was in the hospital and hiding has obviously put a hole in Starbucks' pocket...

Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. Ashlee Simpson, the man who wears more eyeliner than even Liza Minelli, told Out Magazine recently that he hates the way his penis looks and has quite a disdain for penises in general. Hmmm…thanks for sharing sunshine, I am sure your new in-laws will find that fascinating, not to mention your pregnant wife. Pete goes on (and on) to talk about how he used to like to make out with guys just for poops and giggles and that’s pretty much where I set the magazine on fire and dropped to my knees to pray I never happen across another interview with Pete Wentz again. I could care less if boys kiss boys or girls kiss boys or boys kiss girls who kiss boys who kiss monkeys. I just don’t want to hear Pete Wentz try and be cool by telling someone he thought it was edgy to kiss another boy. It’s not edgy, sweetie…it’s a pathetic cry for attention. I hate slow gossip days.

So I have no clue what’s going on but the SAG strike deadline passed over 12 hours ago and not a peep from either the studios or SAG on whether or not we will have to wait even longer for decent scripted television to make a comeback. Seriously, one more episode of So- You- Think- You- Can- Dance- But- You- Can’t!- Surprise!- You’re- Actually- On- A- Japanese- Game- Show- Named- Wipeout and I will kill myself. Fingers crossed the rich have figured out how to get richer and give the poor what they so desperately want…good TV shows with plots and storylines and without any dancing in them.

Joy of all living joy, Santa Angelina spat out the twins. The humanitarian actress who is aiming for early sainthood, Angelina Jolie, is reported to have had her children this morning. Supposedly the birth was an easy one, she just coughed, the twins fell out into a bucket of rose petals and then Angie immediately returned to her normal weight of 110lbs. Miracles do happen, children. Keep the faith. No news on what she and Brad will call the children…though I think #1 and #2 would be really fun. Just my opinion.

Batter up! Well, it seems like we may have a reason why Mr. & Mrs. Ritchie are calling it quits and his name is Alex Rodriguez. Rumors are stirring that Alex (New York Yankees) has been making late night visits to Madge while she is in New York. My guess is that they are not talking strategy for this year’s World Series. The baseball player has been seen multiple times arriving in the night and then leaving, and by leaving I mean strutting ‘a walk of shame,’ later the same night with a semi-smile on his face. Guy flew to New York over the weekend to see if he could try and patch things up with the 90-year-old pop star but methinks he may have been too late. Unless of course, Sister Agnes is correct and this is a team effort and Alex is just a guest star for some sexy time fun, but that’s a vision I would like to not have so let’s move on. It looks as though the rumors of Madge and Guy breaking up are true so let’s say a little prayer…that Guy takes the diva through the cheating ringer and sues her Kabbalah ass for millions. I have lost all respect, and there was little to begin with, for that yoga-red-string-wearing-fake-accent-overpriced-concert-ticket diva anyway. Amen.

The trainwreck human pin cushion known as Amy Winehouse has left rehab…once again. Seems that after her debacle of a performance at the Glastonbury Festival where she punched a guy and insulted Kanye West, Miss Winehouse returned immediately (via helicopter) to the rehab facility where she had been detoxing and became very upset at the reviews of how horrible her performance was. She then lost her poop, threw a tantrum fit and took off. Her dad is said to be with her back at the crack den….umm, I mean her house…and is keeping a watchful eye on his daughter. How sweet. Where was he a year ago is my question. Well, our hopes and prayers are with the beehived wonder of life as she continues to try and get clean. Sister Agnes gives it five days before Amy starts wandering the woods in her bra and looking like Courtney Love. I, however, have more faith and give it a solid week.

Hey, speaking of ladies with drug problems, poor Boy George is being banned from America and has cancelled the US leg of his tour. Well, not exactly banned, but the government won’t let him in with his visa because of some upcoming court date the Boy has in London. I have no idea what the hell the court thing is about but all I heard was he tied some hooker to a wall, took lots of drugs and then freaked out by running around his apartment screaming he was the eggman koo koo ka-choo. Boy George is said to be very very upset about this whole thing and can’t understand why the US would allow crackhead Amy Winehouse in and not him. The lady has a point. Boy has been clean from drugs for quite awhile now, and though looking at his makeup application doesn’t exactly scream sober and normal…he is clean. Well, congrats on being clean Boy George and don’t worry about being banned from the US…I’m sure someday you can come back and sing for us

Now whoever said that prayer doesn’t work is an idiot. Eddie Murphy told the press that he has decided it’s time for him to retire and that his new movie Dave will be one of his last. I saw the preview to Dave last night and unfortunately Eddie’s decision to retire seems to be a tad late but as Sister Agnes says better late than never. Eddie only has a few more movies to finish up before he throws in the towel so perhaps that 2012 looming apocalypse prediction isn’t set in stone just yet.

Why, you ask? Because the Jackson family name hasn't been dragged through the dirt nearly enough.

Ahh, there's nothing like Prokofiev sonatas to warm your heart while another person struggles to climb out of your body. Smart thinking, Nicole Kidman.

Heidi Montag to Devil: "Hey man, we gave it a shot, you know? I say, if you can't beat 'em? Join 'em."

Alicia Keys plans on retiring in three years. At the age of 30. Put those hands down. This child will not require any prayers.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I would suggest to you that if you ever get the chance to see Amy Winehouse perform live that you stick to clapping loudly and never, ever try to grab one of her boobs. Over the weekend, Amy took some time off from detoxing to perform at Nelson Mandela’s birthday party and the Glastonbury Festival in the UK. First, the Nelson Mandela event was a complete disaster with Amy sounding like a Simpson sister after a screaming fit. Poor thing, her voice was just horrible. If that wasn’t bad enough, little Amy then gets whisked off to take the main stage at the Glastonbury Festival in front of 180,000 people and while performing punches a guy in the face for grabbing her boob. Now I can’t say that the guy meant to do it, let’s face it she’s no Pam Anderson, he may have just been trying to hand her an AA pamphlet or something like that…but Amy wasn’t having it and socked the guy. Lovely gal, that Amy is. Oh, and then my favorite part of her performance…she calls Kanye West a lovely name…won’t say it ‘cause I am nun but it rhymes with bunt and it’s not hunt. Amy left the show and went back to detoxing so we need to go back to praying…this time, let’s pray she stays in the bin for at least another 6-8 months before showing her head and beehive again.

Seems Rob Lowe’s nanny isn’t quite the saint that Gloria Allred is trying to make her out to be. The nanny who accused Rob Lowe and his wife of sexually harassing her has a bit of a sexual predator problem according to the rest of Rob’s staff. Supposedly little miss nanny sunshine was continually hitting on Rob who was having nothing of it and decided to turn the tables and accuse Rob of the same thing. On top of that, all the calls she supposedly made to her sister to complain about the Lowe’s behavior…oops, never happened. Oh Gloria, you must be spending a lot of time in the bathroom these days with a warm washcloth…trying to wipe that mud off your face. Hmmmm…justice is such a sweet thing.

Huh? Could someone please just set the record straight because I am getting dizzy, and this time it has nothing to do with margaritas. According to the reports running rampant about the Madge & Guy divorce, it may all just be a bit of hype. Guy Richie’s mom told the press it was a lie and the couple are fine, The London Times reported that Madonna and Guy both have divorce lawyers on speed dial and The Sun reports Guy flew to New York over the weekend to try and patch things up with his diva wife while other papers just said he went to go have sexy times with his wife who isn’t fighting with him. Oh yes, and then there were the reports that the couple didn’t have a pre-nup last week but miraculously, thanks to a good house cleaning, they found one. I haven’t been this confused since the second season of Lost. Ok here’s what I’m gonna do, I am going to pray…really hard…that these two find a decent PR person who can straighten this whole mess out before I completely lose my freaking mind and fly to London and beat the crap out of the two of them with a ruler. Amen…Halleluiah, and moving on.

According to sources close to the forehead known as Nicole Kidman, the actress is prepping to leave for Memphis so she can have her bambino in Tennessee. Why on earth would a couple want to go and have their child there? Unless she has big plans of raising the baby half-Aussie-half-hillbilly…which would be an Aussibilly if I have my verbage right, I could not imagine what other reason she could have. Obviously pregnancy isn’t affecting Nicky’s hormones…it’s affecting her judgment. Poor thing.

C’mon Will, how much longer do you think you can pull this off? Mr. Fourth of July, himself, has opened up a school for pre-kindergarten to sixth grade that teaches the basics: literacy, math, Spanish, karate, yoga, robotics…Yes, robotics. You read that right. That wasn’t your bleary Monday morning eyes lying to you. Will wants to create an army of robot children. Well, maybe not that far but the classes will implement a form of L. Ron Hubbard theory called “study technology.” I don’t know exactly what that is but I’m going to imagine it’s kind of like praying, but to aliens, and not nearly as effective. New Village Academy (that is it’s name) stresses that they will not teach Scientology, nor is Will Smith a Scientologist. Look Will, you seem like a nice guy…but if the shoe fits, if the gloves aren’t too small, if a spade is a spade, it’s probably true. You go ahead and teach your robotics, but as a religious person myself, I have a feeling Xenu isn’t too happy with you denying his/her existence all willy-nilly.

DMX, take a seat over here. Comfortable? Lemonade? No? DMX, the reason you, me, your family and closest friends are here today is because we want to stage an intervention. You have an arrest problem. I don’t know why you like it so much or how you could possibly get arrested four times in two months, but the goal now is to heal. The first time? No problem, everybody makes mistakes. The second? Okay, let’s be a little careful. Three and four? You’re just getting out of control. Maybe you need a hobby, like knitting or celebrity gossip. Something fun, quiet, and inoffensive. If you could find a way to get arrested for knitting, well then you’re really out of luck. We’re willing to try anything for you at this point. I hate to say this, but…have you thought about Scientology? Everyone who joins seems to turn into a robot and I overheard Will Smith just opened up a new school…

Britney and K-Fed's fight is starting to resemble Indiana Jones 4. Loud, obnoxious, and seemingly never-ending.

So Angelina Jolie brings guys to their knees? Well, at least while they're down there, they can pray.

For probably the only time in his entire life, Spencer Pratt is right about something.

Children, no one needs our prayers more right now than the poor, unfortunate soul who happens to be a half-sister of Lindsay Lohan.

Well, this morning starts on a lovely note with the news that Uma Thurman is getting hitched. The star of Kill Bill and some other movies not as memorable has gone and gotten engaged to the very wealthy Arpad Busson. Dumb name, yes, but he’s got one hell of a bank account so it’s completely forgivable. The man’s got some serious cash. According to sources, who knows who that may be, her engagement ring is a whopping 20 carats of shiny rock and is so big she can’t have it on when putting on a sleeve cause it rips whatever piece of clothing has the unfortunate run-in with it. Now that’s a big diamond, ladies. Anyway, congrats little Uma. We are all going to pray that this marriage lasts longer than the one with dirty boy Ethan Hawke. Just keep this one clean, for goodness sakes.

Verne Troyer is suing mad at TMZ for showing a clip from his dirty little sex tape on their website. Get it? Little…he’s a midget. Oh, never mind. The actor is suing TMZ for a big chunk of change, $20 million dollars to be exact, for violating his privacy and showing a piece of a stolen sex tape on their website yesterday. The tape shows him and a woman naked and making out. At least, I think that’s what it would be called. It looked like she was an envelope and he was trying to mail her the way his tongue kept darting at her face. Oops, just threw up a little in my mouth. Well I hope the little guy gets his cash because I am following his lead and I’m going to sue his ass for making me go blind in one eye while watching that tape. Seriously, it’s just dead. If I blink I still see his little pale body and those creepy little claw hands getting it on with that lady friend. Oops, just threw up a little in my mouth again. Damn.

Amy Winehouse has found a new friend in one Will Smith. The odd couple met at the Nelson Mandela 90th Birthday bash in London and hit it off according to sources. She said that Will is trying to help her, which we all know translates to, “Please listen to me, drink this Kool-aid and pay no attention to the guys in black suits with the taser guns.” I would make the assumption that Amy is now somewhere over the mid-Atlantic on a private Scientology jet on her way to the Los Angeles Scientology Celebrity Center and Church where she will be greeted by the church’s Queen, Ms. Tom Cruise, and welcomed into the family of zombies for Xenu with open arms. Within weeks, she will be released to the public with a new bob-haircut, big sunglasses on the arm of Posh Beckham with a bit of an odd sheen to her glossy eyes. Nice job, Will Smith. You went fishing and caught the ultimate prize. Sister Agnes and I are starting the prayer group for Amy but honestly it probably won’t do any good at this point. We have had absolutely no luck with Katie Holmes and compared to Amy Winehouse, she’s a damn genius.

Well, here we go kids, the Madonna divorce ride is open for business. According to the Mirror in London, which is a newspaper one step above the National Enquirer so it must be right, Madonna has very politely and probably in a fake English accent asked her husband Guy Ritchie for a divorce. The whole thing is said to have been very cordial. In fact, they say she said “I would like a divorce, I’m sorry.” Not sure how they got that but knowing Madonna she probably recorded it and posted it up on Youtube. I will check it myself once Sister Gladys gets off the damn site. She spends half her day watching videos of kittens and babies laughing. This divorce is going to start out all nice-nice but I guarantee it will get ugly sooner than later. The couple supposedly doesn’t have a prenup and if I were Guy Ritchie, I would spend some serious time thinking about the movie Swept Away and what she did to his career and take every last dime old Granny Madge has saved up. Of course, that’s only my opinion. It doesn’t mean it’s the right one….it just means it ain’t the wrong one.

For years, we have prayed that Paris change her wicked ways and stop acting like a whore with a good bank account but we had no idea our prayers would be answered this fast. According to sources, Paris Hilton has reportedly made a gigantic donation to create a hospital wing for children with cancer and blood related illnesses. The heiress to the Hilton fortune wants to show she has a tender side and I say good for you sunshine. Doesn’t that feel nice? I mean, it’s got to feel a lot better than watching that sex tape of yours, right? Or getting pulled over for a DUI. Or starring in movies so bad that you make Lindsay look like an Academy Award winner. Or…well the list is so big I just couldn’t fit it all in so let’s just chalk this up to the first decent thing you’ve done in…well, ever…and ignore all the other stuff for at least a few days. I will however never forgive you for House of Wax. I don’t care if you gave all your money to the poor, wrapped yourself in a towel and moved to India to find a higher calling….EVER.

Finally! Rolling Stone gets the exciting opportunity to interview Amy Winehouse but it's just...really, really depressing.

Cameron Diaz may or may not be engaged to some person nobody's ever heard of. Hard-nosed news, I know.

I've never heard Miley Cyrus talk for an hour...and I'd like to keep it that way.

Being called a loud mouth? Annoying? A diva? Yeah, that's all probably true. But running up a water bill? That's where Celine Dion draws the line!

Sister Gertrude from Las Vegas sent me an email that said, “here’s a video from our recent picnic I hope you like it.” I thought to myself, how delightful I haven’t seen Gert in awhile – this should be lovely. I popped open the video, hit play, and when the image hit the screen I froze in absolute horror. She had sent me a snippet from a xxx video of Verne Troyer and some obviously extremely drunk woman who lost a bet. As you know, Verne Troyer was the star of several Austin Powers movies and is in the latest Mike Myers snorefest The Love Guru. Verne stands about an inch higher than a toaster oven so seeing him in bed with a woman five times taller than him is like being at a circus sideshow only without any clothing or big funny clown shoes. Needless to say, I have added Verne to the prayer list this morning, not because I feel bad that a sex tape has leaked with him as the star (quite frankly, I commend the little guy for getting some) but rather for all his fans that are now completely or at least partially blind from watching him have sexy time with a lady friend.

Well, it seems that Nelson Mandela may not want the likes of Naomi Campbell around for his birthday but he is completely fine with a heroin addicted crack junkie singing a few tunes for him. The 90-year-old peace activist who is having a huge shindig thrown in his honor this weekend has asked that Naomi Campbell not be present but is fine with Amy Winehouse. The singer, who just got released from the hospital, will sing three songs in his honor if she can find the microphone and remember where she is. I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Mandela but I have to say that if I had my choice, I would rather sit with Naomi for a few hours than get within three feet of Ms. Winehouse. At least I know that Naomi has taken a bath in the last 6-8 months and that at no time will a needle fall out of her hairdo and stab me in the arm. Look, I’m just saying what’s on my mind. Let’s move on, shall we?

Well, isn’t this lovely? Another Hollywood couple has fallen in love and decided to live in sin to celebrate. Reese (I make more money than any other actress twice my size) Witherspoon and Jake (if I wasn’t with Reese I would fall for a hot nun named Mary) Gyllenhaal have moved in together in a lovely home in the Notting Hill district of London. The couple is unwed and living in sin and I condemn them to hell for it. Sister Agnes says I’m just mad because she thinks I have some sort of fantasy of Jake leaving Reese. Then he just happens to goes for a drive to think about his loss, wishing he could find the perfect woman. On his drive, his car breaks down and of course he has no cell reception so he walks to the closest neighboring house, which just so happens to be the convent where I live. He asks to use the phone, I oblige and somehow the two of us hit it off and he makes me leave the sisterhood and forsake my vow of chastity and he and I get married in a nice little church in a town called Newport in Rhode Island and we live happily ever after. I have no idea what she is talking about.

This rumor is getting tired. Are they divorcing or not? Now the London Times, a paper I would consider way more legit than say the National Enquirer or The Sun, is reporting that indeed the two have both sought legal divorce council. Madonna’s people cost a fortune and Guy’s supposedly are a little second rate but that was to be expected. Supposedly, the two don’t have a pre-nup so this boxing match should be a lot of fun. I am putting my money on Guy for this one. Poor bastard has been a stay-at-home mom for years while that hussy has been traveling the world shaking her 70-year-old ass on stage for money. In my day, they called that prostitution but now they call it entertainment. How cute. I am going to bow my head and say a little prayer for Guy Ritchie and hope he gets what he deserves, like the last seven years of his life back. Wow, I’m a bit sore about this whole Jake and Reese thing. I need to relax.

Poor Scarlett Johansson has lost her pen pal. According to the actress, she and Democratic candidate Barack Obama have a lovely email relationship where they write back and forth, tell jokes, speak politics, send smiley faces when their happy and frowny ones when they are glum. Unfortunately for Scarlett, her pen pal Obama says they have only had one email exchange together and it was through his assistant. Wow Scarlett…you got shut down like a cheap whorehouse. Barack obviously doesn’t want to end up on To Catch a Predator Celebrity Edition. Move on Scarlett honey, I am sure you can find a nice guy to chit-chat with on MySpace or maybe Facebook. You’re young ScaJo, and there are plenty of other Democratic candidate fish in the sea.

Denise Richards sends her daughters to therapy so they won't go crazy. You know, sending them anywhere away from Denise is gonna do the same thing.

E!: Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are getting a DIVORCE! Everybody panic! Bennifer 2: Yeeeah, not so much.

Brooke Hogan is not very good at this whole deflecting-bad-press thing.

Here's Mini-Me in TLC's next big hit, Little People, Big Girl.

Mike Myers, poor bastard, just isn’t having a good year. He may be the loveable voice of the jolly green ogre Shrek, but in real life it seems that everyone pretty much hates him. Past the scathing and rather evil article in Entertainment Weekly a few weeks ago, his new movie The Love Guru (which Sister Agnes and I saw last weekend and are having a really hard time calling it a ‘movie’ and not just ‘piece of poop on film’) has been panned and banned by anyone with an IQ over, say, an Olsen twin, which by my calculations is on par with a paperclip. Now Celebitchy (fabulous little website) is reporting that even religions now officially hate Mike Myers. First it was the Hindus (how could they not hate him) and now it’s the Catholics. Not sure though why the Catholics hate him. They say it’s because the movie is highly offensive but ummmm… Duh, no kidding. I could understand them condemning him for something like…I don’t know, being Canadian, but condemning him for something so obvious it seems like they just want to get into the Mike Myers hating game and well, that’s just not right.

The aging humanitarian may want the world to get along but it seems only if Naomi Campbell isn’t a part of it. A huge 90th birthday party concert is being thrown in London in his honor; even though someone else is throwing the event, that doesn’t mean that Nelson can’t be picky with the guest list, which included Naomi Campbell up until about a day ago. Mr. Mandella has asked that Naomi Campbell not be allowed on stage during the event because he is upset with her recent arrest. Well, who isn’t upset there sunshine? Naomi has taken a beating lately on her public relations for all of her recent beatings on other people. Normally, I would say a little prayer that all things get worked out and that Naomi and Nelson could play nice-nice but let’s face it. You can’t teach an old runway model new tricks so let’s just file this under, “who cares and moving on.” Amen.

Well, it may have been more than a week ago that the extremely humble and understanding Kanye West was pummeled with beer bottles and other flyable debris but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still hurt from the traumatic experience, poor dear. Kanye was performing at the Bonnaroo Music Festival in the lovely state of Tennessee and was more than two hours late taking the stage. Now that “fashionable late” thing may work at 8pm but when it’s at 3am in the morning, well then that’s a whole other story. Kanye was scheduled to take the stage at around 2:30-3:00ish but his stage was so elaborate and needed so much time to set up that he didn’t go on ‘till around 4:30am and when he did…the fans were less than thrilled at his punctuality. They threw pretty much everything that wasn’t tied down or in a barrel (moonshine) at him. Now he’s taken to his blog to rant about the event and he’s sad that people are trying to destroy his career and plot his downfall. Oh pumpkin, I wonder why? It’s not like you’re an arrogant, self-centered, long-winded, annoying, odd-sunglass-wearing, dress-like-Michael-Jackson, rambling, rant-blogging type of hip hopper or anything. Please note the sarcasm Kanye…note it, hear it…take it all in.

Kelly O. told Closer Magazine (I have no idea, I’ve never heard of the rag either) that she is giving up her evil partying ways and looking forward to long nights on the couch, in front of the fire making nice-nice with her boyfriend/model Luke Worrell. Well, isn’t that just the cutest thing. Kelly is probably a bit scared having watched what happened to close friend Amy Winehouse in the past few weeks and figured it best to walk, nay run, in the complete opposite direction. Good for you, Kelly. Now I am not saying I don’t believe you but I am a bit apprehensive seeing that you’ve been to rehab a few times and well…let’s just say at one time you promised to give all that up, too and instead just moved to London and became a drunk there. I’m just saying. I certainly hope this whole new you is true (hey, that rhymed real nice) and that you are going straight. Now about your dad…

Pop superstar and actor Justin Timberlake (I use the word actor extremely lightly after suffering through The Love Guru) admitted in an interview with Collider.com (a website far inferior to others, say Celebrityprayerlist.com for example) that he suffers from both ADD and OCD. He goes on to say “try living with that.” You poor dear, I imagine all the money helps though, right? You want pain, try living with Sister Gladys. She’s 90 something, on every medication known to mankind, often wanders from the house only to be found eating crayons in the summer sun and is starting to look a lot like Shakes the Clown. It’s near impossible to scrub ruby red crayon residue from the human skin around the mouth. Poor thing looks like she’s a taste test expert for Kool-Aid. Anyway back to JT, sorry to hear you’re a mess in the head. We are going to say a little pray for you, three times in a row (for the OCD) and halfway through the third prayer something shiny will distract us and we will forget what we were praying about (for the ADD). Ok?

Time Magazine or Newsweek Magazine (I can’t remember which one ‘cause I was in the doctor’s office with Sister Agnes waiting for her to get done with her colonoscopy and was completely bored) reports that the SAG strike may actually be a reality and could damage Hollywood even more than the WGA strike. Beg pardon? Worse? How’s that possible? I have been waiting almost a year for the new season of damn Keifer Sutherland’s 24 and now you tell me I may have to wait even longer because the actors may strike, too? I swear to heaven I will hunt down and beat the crap out of whoever is responsible for this. Seriously, what is going on? Settle. Both sides settle. Studios pay the damn actors and actors don’t be too greedy. This is crazy, let’s get this done now. With all the damn money flying through Hollywood on any given day, isn’t there enough to go around? Here’s a novel idea, why don’t you go after the lawyers. They are the damn people getting all the money. Cut their fees in half and maybe, just maybe, everyone else can get paid. Where’s my blood pressure meds?

Last night on Anderson Cooper’s show, the topic was Obama and how James Dobson was attacking him for some reason or another. Who cares, really? Anyway, one of the guests was the ever-annoying Al Sharpton who then turned the conversation to religious tolerance and then pretty much ripped poor Anderson Cooper out of the closet right there for the world to see. Al told Anderson that he thought what he does will probably put him in hell but that he also thought it was ok for Anderson to still do it and tried to relate that to religious tolerance. How grand of you Al, I had no idea that you had a direct line to heaven to find out such things. Now you listen to Sister Mary, Mr. Sharpton. Just because Anderson Cooper is a homo, albeit a quiet and conservative one, I don’t think Andy is going to hell for what he does in his bedroom. Oh sorry, he’s gay so it’s a boudoir, beg pardon. You, on the other hand, I can’t be so sure of. Who the hell are you to tell anyone that they are going to hell while you sit there in that double knit polyester suit and point fingers and annoy the heck out of anyone unfortunate enough to hear you? Oh, you make me so angry I could spit. Pray children…pray.

The Judge has ruled: Britney can now have sleepovers.

No shaved head? No frantic outbursts? Huh. Heather Locklear has gone to the crazy house acting like a sane person.

Anne Hathaway dumps the biggest moron in history - the supposed "CFO of the Vatican" - just before he's arrested for money laundering and, duh, fraud.

DMX, you have to be a very special kind of person to be arrested 11 times. Let us pray. One time.

I didn’t need to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth but Kathy Griffin says she never had sex with that chubby guy she was dating who owns Apple. I swear to you she didn’t. The guy is worth more money than the Vatican yet virtuous Kathy was never swayed to have pre-marital sex with him no matter how many times he pleaded. Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…who knew that Kathy Griffin would be the new face of abstinence? I mean she definitely has a face that makes people not want to have sex so maybe this is a perfect new gig for the comedian. Anyway…I applaud her and her chastity belt and I hope that more young Hollywood whores…I mean ladies…take the same path. Just with a different face I hope.

Don Imus is an idiot. Once again he’s proved that he has the IQ of cow manure and well to be frank…the same taste. Not that I have ever tasted cow manure but Sister Gladys messed her pills up once and when we finally found her she was in the middle of the cow pasture next door slugging the stuff down like she was a kid in a candy store. Poor thing. No one talked to her for a month and we even laced her diet coke with Listerine. Now where was I? Oh yeah Don Imus is a moron and we need a prayer group to start praying he gets fired. I would do it myself but I am so damn busy praying for the cancellation of The Two Coreys that I need to spread the work out a little.

I just wanted to say a special thank you to good old Sister Terry who filled in for me yesterday on the prayer list. It was so damn hot this weekend here in Los Angeles and I unfortunately decided to ignore the blazing heat and try to mow the convent lawn in my wool habit. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know I woke up in St. Bartholomew’s Hospital for Clergy & Sisters with an IV in one arm and part of the lawnmower handle still clutched in the other. Seems I had a heat stroke and the left side of my body tightened up so bad, they couldn’t get the lawnmower out of my grasp on the left side of my body so they had to cut the thing apart. Sister Agnes thought it was hysterical. She said I looked like a mannequin in a hardware store. I hit her with my right hand. That sure made her think twice about kicking me when I’m down.

Yesterday, Jenny from the block was shopping her way across Los Angeles and caused a huge ruckus at a little store on Miracle Mile. The diva invaded the store with an eight-person entourage, which included two bodyguards who made it very clear they were packing heat. Jenny demanded discounts and that the store close down while she was in there shopping. The sales clerks were furious and said Jenny was a complete diva and a female dog…(if I say bitch I have to put a dollar in Sister Maria’s swear jar). The store was not happy with Jenny but you know what…I say, atta girl! Don’t let anyone call you a diva honey….that’s the way a real starlet girl goes shopping. Why just the other day Sister Agnes, Sister Terry, Sister Gladys, Sister Claire, Sister Jenny and I all busted into the Stop & Shop in Encino and demanded they close the place down while we shopped all holy and stuff. Sister Gladys made it clear that she was packing heat…about 362lbs. of it…and I demanded they give me a discount. I had a buttload of coupons and even though it wasn’t double coupon day I complained so much that they still gave it to me. That’s right beotches….I’m Sissy from the block and don’t mess with my sheiiiiite. MMMMMMkay?

Dear sweet baby angels, what in the world is Kirstie been eating? Children? Small animals…like say…an entire herd of antelope? My goodness, she has blossomed into a full figured woman. The National Enquirer, the bible for the gossip hungry, says that she is toppling the scales at a whopping 240lbs. That’s like half of Sister Agnes for goodness sake. The National Enquirer is saying that the weight gain has gotten so bad that she passed out on the way to her car the other day when the temperature skyrocketed to the triple digits and that friends are really concerned. I’m sure they are…imagine that toppling over onto you without warning. I kid. I’m concerned about our little Kirstie. Now I have heard rumor that this is all part of a new show she is doing with Oprah, so let’s not pull too many heartstrings just yet. Supposedly Kirstie has signed a deal with O to shoot a reality show about losing weight and people are speculating the weight gain is for the drama. If that’s the case…I hope she explodes for doing something so stupid. If it’s not the case and Kirstie really is just getting huge let’s pray she finds her way….back to Weight Watchers.

A supposed new single from Heidi Montag hit the net yesterday and I am still wiping blood from my ears. The song, called “Fashion” (how incredibly Bob Dylan of her, how deep…how provocative…how freaking stupid is she) may quite possibly be the worst thing I have ever heard and let’s put it this way: I own the old Naomi Campbell record from 1995. First of all, her voice sounds like Bai Ling without the accent…so basically I mean extremely painful. Secondly, the lyrics sound like they were written by a drag queen from the movie Paris is Burning. Last but not least, the music….and I kid you not…sounds exactly like the samba/house setting on any Casio keyboard turned up to full tempo with a four-on-the-floor built-in drum beat looped in for good measure. Sister Agnes said if you play the song backwards, it’s a message from Satan himself and I kinda believe her on that one.

Well she’s back, she’s thin and she’s scarier than Larry King naked. The one and only Courtney Love made an appearance at Diablo Cody’s birthday party the other day looking like a skeleton in lace and people are more than a bit concerned about her health. Courtney has lost an incredible amount of weight and people are saying it must be this weird diet she’s on or she had gastric bypass. Stupid people…stupid. If by diet you mean pills, cigarettes and a penchant for Jack Daniels and Laxative smoothies, then I agree. Let’s remember that Courtney is the original Amy Winehouse and just ‘cause she disappears for a while doesn’t mean she found a higher power and is trying to find herself. It means she’s been cooped up someplace spending cash on the dolls. Oh Courtney, what am I going to do with you? Ok kids, you know the drill…hands together and praying will commence in 5, 4, 3,…

Amy Winehouse is on Defcon 4 Prayer Alert – she’s been released from the hospital.

You know gas prices are pretty bad when Kate Beckinsale is begging the paparazzi to fill her SUV up.

Someone call FEMA. Hurricane JLo just took out Long Island.

Rough translation of Ice T: "Turn off that infernal racket! You kids with your new fangled hippity-hop and Soulja Boy. Get off my lawn!"

Heidi Montag hates the world, releases a new single.

Linda races behind Hulk Hogan down the freeway. Doesn't this family learn anything?

Well, well, big surprise. They finally figured out what's wrong with Amy Winehouse and it looks like they'll have to put the ol' girl down. Oh that's not true, stop it. She has emphysema, but I doubt it's just cigarettes to blame. Her doctor has ordered her to stop the drugs (see: crystal meth, crack cocaine, whatever she can inject) or else end up in a wheelchair. Honestly, maybe a wheelchair wouldn't be so bad for Amy. If it means her family can hide the crack on the top of the fridge in a cookie jar she can't reach, well, that might just save her after all! Before we get too extreme though, we're praying deeply Amy takes the hint and puts the drugs behind her.

Sweet baby angels, children, Shia must smoke a carton a day, and in the worst places. Even after they told him to NOT smoke in the Smithsonian - of all places, NOT the Smithsonian or anywhere at all on the premises - Shia found time to light up anyway, in the bathroom. Accompanied by the smoke detector. It's almost too easy. Could it be Shia wants to get caught? Maybe he's seen the hole of a human being Amy Winehouse has degraded to and doesn't want to end down the same path. Maybe shooting in the Smithsonian is really stressful. Maybe he plans on getting sick. It could be for a role, people. We're praying Shia can kick the habit and keep his lungs clear - he's supposed to be the new action star. If he can't run, dive, jump, or generally escape the bad guys, how good of an actor star is he going to be?

Mike Myers, starring in a "comedy" that looked like it would have been made fifteen years ago, bombed hard. Really hard. Like, Speed Racer hard. Nobody went and trust me, nobody was missing anything. Sister Agnes and I stepped into that theater over the weekend and together, laughed a negative amount of times. That movie was less funny than finding out you have emphysema. There's no telling with what's left of Mike Myers' career. That's a shame because it likely means another six Shrek movies or a failed return to Wayne's World and we just can't have that. Look, he's so good at disappearing into characters and roles, so... can't he just go away?

Ellen took the opportunity of winning yet another Emmy to talk about her upcoming wedding to Portia De-Whatshername. An unexpected side effect of the start of gay marriage in California is that now all the tabloids are about weddings again. Well, that's better than five million pregnancies, I guess. In all honesty, we wish them the best of luck and congratulations on their wedding endeavors. Star Magazine "reports" that there will be no prenup, so hold onto the Emmies, Ellen, or Portia's taking two with her when the magic fades away.

Word to the wise. Don't photograph Matthew McConaughey. A paparazzi videographer snuck in to what must have been a secretive, Area 51-worthy surfing expedition, because Matt's Surfer Goons encircled the poor guy and threw his camera into the ocean. The videographer went to the police for help but forget it, kid. This is Matthew McConaughey. You don't watch him when he's surfing. We're praying the paparazzi are more careful next time because if Matt's goons throw your camera into the Pacific Ocean the first time out, just think what they do the second time.