Well goodness children, it's very simple. See, our dear friends in the limelight need our help every once in a while with a good old fashion prayer. Each week we count down those who are the most needy. Plan on a lot of prayers for Ms. Spears. If we work hard we may be able to pray that weave right off her head!
How to pray.
People pray all sorts of ways for all sorts of things. We here at CPL find the easiest method is to place both your hands together, open faced, then close your eyes and wish really really hard.
POW! Prayer of the Week
And the Oscar Goes To...
Alright believers, catch up on your movies, put your list in the Oscar pool, and pray your little fingers off! It’s the last week before the big show and it could pretty much go any which way. We pray Mickey Rourke doesn’t do anything supremely stupid between now and Sunday, and we pray Slumdog Millionaire doesn’t become old news. We’re kind of hoping Meryl Streep doesn’t win for playing a nun – dearie, I saw your little Doubt movie and nuns do not act that way, thankyouverymuch. Hugh, please don’t screw up the show and let’s keep the Wolverine plugging to a minimum. If there’s one thing the Oscars don’t need this year, it’s a reminder about what crappy movies we’ll have to suffer through this summer. So please, no big mistakes, let the award-winners say their piece for once, and put on a good show!
The Prayer List - Friday Edition - 2/20/2009
Skin Like Leather
THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Fans and fanatics alike must have been FLOORED at this year’s Fashion Week when Richie Rich unveiled Pamela Anderson in an ungodly outfit strutting across the runway. Please, put that old thing away; yes, I mean the model. Time has not been Pam’s friend. There must have been a scuffle during Baywatch or VIP and they’ve never forgiven each other. Should we expect to see her shaking down a runway in five, ten years? Because if so, I think Sister Gladys is just gonna check out now. She’s held on because she loves life, but if this is what she has to see, it just isn’t worth it anymore.
No Mom for RomCom
Julia Roberts’ diet consists of biting hands that feed her.
The one good thing about Julia Roberts is that unlike Pam Anderson, she completely understands she’s aging into a rickety old matchstick of a woman. We’re all there, honey – it’s not so bad. Nothin’ beats down osteoporosis like a hard glass of sacramental wine. In any case, citing middle-aged world weariness, Julia’s put her foot down: no more romantic comedies! She says that’s a young person’s game. She says nobody wants to see a middle-aged woman twirling her hair, wondering if some guy likes her. Oh how wrong you are, Julia. That got us girls through the 90s. What’s left for you to do? Another Ocean’s knock-off? Flying around the world stealing money? Real mature, Julia.
No shoot, Sherlock!
I was wondering why our Rumor Alert was flashing (no, not the Rumer Alert, but we have that too). Yesterday, there were whispers abound that Guy Ritchie would be forced to go back and re-shoot some of his Sherlock Holmes movie after Warner Brothers said it was “ridiculously unrealistic.” Turns out that was a lie …or at least, half of it. No reshoots are being done. The movie may still be ridiculously unrealistic, but apparently Warner Brothers is willing to take that chance. They’re afraid that if the movie’s too good, Madonna will grow jealous and then we must beware her wrath! Sorry, Guy. She’s going to follow you to the grave. She’s like a bad guy in a horror movie who just keeps coming back. Never turn your back to the body!
Laying down the Law
Beware the Wrath of Barr!
You know you’ve done something very wrong when Roseanne Barr is coming after you. Usually, she restrains herself to attack Republicans or network executives. This time, she’s after Chris Brown and Rihanna. Yeah, that’s right. BOTH of them. The crazy woman says Rihanna must have provoked Chris and Roseanne predicts Rihanna will continue to provoke Chris and continue to lose. Wait… What about the part where this is Chris Brown’s fault? Huh? I would hate to be in a courtroom where Roseanne is the judge.
And Prayer Free!
The Carey-Cannon Express rolls on for a whole year!
I remember thinking this marriage was mired in failure. I still think that. Either a divorce in a week or a death in a month. Well, one year later, don’t we all look like fools? The couple included. Why would they subject themselves to a whole year of obvious incompatibility? I wanna know this duo’s secret! Do they sleep in separate rooms? See other people? Boardgame Night? I don’t get it. I’ll admit something else, children. We haven’t even been praying for them. Maybe they made a deal with the devil. Maybe that’s what this next couple should do:
Rachel Getting Married
Hear those crickets? That’s the sound of all the people elated by the idea of Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen getting their wedlocks on. We’re all very happy for them, but golly, what a boring couple! Act out a little bit, guys! Pull a Carey-Cannon! Somebody be a dominant egomaniac and the other should be a whipping boy. That’s how these Hollywood marriages work. It’s the only way we know how to pray. Another thing I hate to admit: we only have one marriage prayer here at the convent. We just flip out the names. I know, it’s awful, but all these marriages are about the same anyway. Crazy woman and lazy man decided they need publicity, get married, have 12 kids with weird names, divorce, find Ashton Kutcher. Rinse and repeat.
The Prayer List - Wednesday Edition - 2/18/2009
Call Us Sister Agnes
Ahh, the Magic of Fashion Week!
Smell that in the air? No, it’s not the stench of New York subway stations. It’s chiffon! Polyester! Silk! Satin! It’s a mix of colognes and perfumes of thousands of onlookers leering at this year’s fashionable offerings. Believe me believers; this is the best time to pray your butt off because everybody with a name to salvage is sashaying around town in the best dress a name can buy! We’ve sent Sister Agnes as our Fashion Week Correspondent, but she’s yet to check back in. Not even a courtesy call. If she shows up back at the convent in a designer habit, believe you-me, Sister Agnes is gonna be saying ALL of her prayers.
This Saturday Only
Jen. Angie. Cage.
Yuh-oh. OK Magazine is reporting Jen Aniston and Angelina Jolie are on course for a head-on collision Saturday night at a Pre-Oscar Party. This is like that math question about the two trains on the same track coming from New York and Philadelphia. Except this is way more dangerous. Angelina will have the elegant Brad Pitt in tow; Jen will have her trash-can boyfriend, John Mayer. It may not seem like an equal match-up, but don’t underestimate Aniston’s abilities, children. The girl is desperate. Emotional. She’s like a cornered raccoon. She’ll strike back quicker than you think! Keep a look out on Sunday for who leaves a seat open at the Big Show. If Jen Aniston is missing because of a “mysterious flu epidemic,” you can be pretty sure Angelina’s army of kids helped put her over the top.
And the Award goes to… doing something else!
There’ll be more than one empty seat at this year’s Oscars – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are taking rain checks. Now, it’s true – neither of them got anywhere near nominated this year, but they’d at least be given a seat or two. They’re Hollywood royalty! Boy, if TomKat isn’t going to the Big Show this year, it must be REALLY bad. They’d rather spend their time hanging around a bad actress in a Disney World Cinderella costume than sit through Hugh Jackman’s 3-Hour Bombtacular. Seriously, the only mutant power Wolverine is gonna share this Sunday is the supernatural ability to bore an audience to tears. Well, let’s hope Tom’s time off isn’t an omen. Mind the Prayer of the Week, children!
Bye Bye Foofy
One old beat-up mutt to another…
A bit of sad news to report today, my fellow faithful. Mickey Rourke’s 18-year-old pooch flew off to heaven today, where he can chase alley cats around golden streets as long as he wants. Talk about a rough week for Rourke – he doesn’t have enough to worry about with this whole Oscar thing; now he’s got to bury his dog? At the Globes, Rourke thanked his K-9s for their loyalty. Unfortunately, this doggy won’t get to see the Big Ticket Show. Rourke spent the other night wandering into a nightclub only to find out he was upstaging Paris Hilton’s B-Day Bash. We say, let the man be, Paris! He’s been burned, bad. Didn’t you see Marley & Me? How do you recover after that?
Cut to the Chace
Friends don’t let friends keep other friends out on the street. So no, you’re not friends.
Ah, the Lindsay Lohan – Chace Crawford Saga continues. The girl is trying her best to be an Indigo Girls uberfan over scented candles and SamRo, yet she can’t help but lap at Chace Crawford’s feet. The latest chapter in this continuing story saw Lindsay get drunk (I know, sounds typical), make a public scene at a club (wait for it), follow Chace home, and get locked out on the front lawn. She threw a fit until someone came downstairs and politely told her to leave. Lindz, you can try and put out this fire with some “logical” explanation, but the excuses are wearing thin. We’re beginning to think you’ve been a lesbian just because you’re too proud to admit you want Chace all for yourself behind the choir bench. Well, come to think of it, he does kind of look like a woman…
This will be the Manwich of movies.
Wow, after hearing the latest rumor on Sylvestor Stallone’s The Expendables, I think even the Big Guy Upstairs is feeling like a little girl; a cast that already includes Sly, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Ben Kingsley, and Jet Li may add on another mercernary: Arnold Schwarzenegger! I don’t know how that can be true – he’s governing stuff after all. But who knows? Maybe he found time in his busy schedule while he lets California go bankrupt. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up both!
The Prayer List - Tuesday Edition - 2/17/2009
Lohan of the Dead
Dead Woman Walking
Believe it or not, this is our first official prayer of the year for Lindsay Lohan! And boy, the lack of prayin’ has taken its toll on the poor girl. She looks like the Queen of Zombies. I’m afraid she’s gonna start gnawing on her friends to get to their precious brains. She said she ate a Big Mac yesterday, and you know she’s in trouble when that’s the most healthy thing she’s done. Oh, Lindsay. Your skin is sinking into itself. You look like a Batman villain. Please, put the coke away.
New Moon just got old. Really, really old.
When you think of teenage vampires, what person spring to mind? If you said Madonna, you should be wrong, but apparently you’re right! The singer, who may be a vampire already, is apparently in talks to join the Twilight series in some form or another, or so says Ryan Seacrest. Maybe the guy’s just dream-casting. Who knows? Maybe she’ll act as a consultant: she’s already superstrong, doesn’t sleep, and sucks the blood and marrow out of the men she meets. She’s perfect!
A Suri-us Tea Party
A Dream is a Wish Tom Cruise makes for you.
Aww… Lil’ Suri Cruise just about warmed every heart in the convent this weekend with her visit to Disney World. The Hollywood Princess had a tea party with Cinderella. Probably to pick up some pointers. The proud parents watched from a safe distance, to make sure the actress didn’t slip Suri her resume. It’s so nice to see people like the Cruises get out to Disney World just like everybody else. Finally, they too can enjoy the stress, humidity, and long lines that only the happiest place on Earth could afford. I don’t know, though. I think I know where the next family vacation ought to be:
Skip the auctions. Trust me.
There’s nothing like a weekend in Slave World!
Marlon Jackson, formerly of the Jackson 5, plans on opening up a Slave Memorial Resort in Nigeria. They’ll have museums, tours, even a recreated slave ship to check out. Look Marlon, I get it: we need to be able to see our past for what it is. But should we really use “slave” and “resort” in the same sentence? That’s like building a 5-Star Hotel at Auschwitz. Stranger still: Marlon Jackson plans on incorporating a Jackson 5 Museum on the premises. Huh? While the children of the Jackson 5 may have very well been slaves to the music industry, there’s a time and place, Marlon. I don’t even know if people in Nigeria know what the Jackson 5 is. Alright, it’s time to go back to the drawing board. He obviously has no idea what he wants this “resort” to be.
Awwww. Chris Brown is sowwy.
Can it, Chris. We’ve been holding out on any public prayers over this debacle for the last week because we’ve been spending extra amounts of time in private reflection on the matter. After all of that, as well as building a Chris Brown dartboard in the cafeteria, children, it’s time to make no holds barred. Chris Brown finally publicly apologized, but it’s the same old I-beat-my-girlfriend boilerplate we’ve heard a million times before. Save your prayers for Rihanna, children. Keep them far away from this man, at least until he makes a charity, becomes a monk, and kisses a baby.
“I made Joaquin Phoenix crazy. But I don't know about that hobo haircut. That’s just weird.”
It was only a matter of time. Finally, people are coming out of the shadows to take the blame for Joaquin Phoenix’s descent into surfer-dude hip-hop bumness. Numero uno is James Gray, his director on the upcoming film Two Lovers. James says Joaquin grew attached to James’ old hip-hop background and then just sort of, you know, became a rapper. I don’t know, James. Unless you used to sit outside of train stations carrying suitcases in exchange for food, money, or booze, I think you’re scot-free. You know, I've never seen so many people try to take credit for making another man lose a few screws in the head, even if it's only one person. Take a raincheck, James. Joaquin’s crazy all on his own.
The Prayer List - Friday Edition - 2/13/2009
A CPL Success Story – Tara Reid!
Children, when Sister Mary started this little website over a year ago, our mission was a humble one: pray for and save the celebrities of this planet. After all, for everything the Good Book gets right, they don’t talk much about how to deal with movie stars. Do they follow the same rules? Do we pray for them the same way? Well, over a dozen months of prayers later, we’ve got a success on our hands: Tara “Pay to Party” Reid. Throw out some confetti! Pull out the champagne! Keep it away from Tara! It’s reported that she strolled happily out of rehab and plans to put her alcoholic days behind her. Good for you, Tara! Just don’t let her watch any of the movies she’s done in the last ten years, ‘cause if I was her, that’d send me straight back to the bottle.
Hughy, Drewy, and Liu-y
Four Hook-Ups and a Barrymore
I didn’t think anyone wanted to see a sequel to Music & Lyrics, but apparently co-stars Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore did. The two romcom regulars were seen at a restaurant swapping spit in an unholy fashion. I don’t know, believers. Hugh Grant hasn’t looked good to me since My Best Friend’s Wedding. We’re convinced Julia Roberts sucked out his soul. The “quirky” star was spotted the night before making out with a couple of random ladies at a bar. Careful, Drew. Ever since you got the short stick as third string in Charlie’s Angels, you haven’t been on the top of anybody’s list. For all you know, Hugh’s using you to get to Lucy Liu. Hughy, Drewy, and Liu-y, let us pray.
One. One bad movie. Ah ah ah!
Aw, look. It’s Count Whaaah-cula.
Boo-hoo. Somebody call the Whambulance for the Whampire because Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke rubbed the tears away and decided to set the record straight. “They didn’t fire me. I quit!” says the director. She says she decided not to do New Moon because of budget and time constraints. More like talent constraints. It’s okay, dearie. Admit it. You did a horrible job. As a huge Twilight book fan (they’re the only vampires the Big Guy is cool with), I’m ready to mend our injuries, shrug off the disappointment, and start anew. Go, Catherine. Go suck the blood out of some other book series.
Spawn in 60 Seconds?
When Angelina Jolie says you got problems, it’s true.
Ever since Angelina and the Mother of 35 were slapped on a magazine cover together, Nadya Suleman looks even crazier than before. She’s a monster mommy and a celebrity stalker? Sheesh! What a combo! She must have fallen on her head as a child, many many times. Sources even say Angelina is “creeped out” by the woman. I thought the only person who creeped out Angelina was Jon Voight. You know, maybe this is putting a mirror up to the movie star. Nadya is the poorer, uglier, slightly crazier version of you, Angie. If you didn’t have a swimming pool full of money or a genetically blessed facial structure, you’d be no different than Nadya AKA Lost Her Marbles McGee. Between the two of you, there are 20 children running around our little planet. We pray for us all.
Stop Kidding Around
Baby Mania 2009
Wow, I thought 2008 was the year of the Baby Craze, but 2009 is Baby Crazy! The same quack who set Nadya Suleman up with an arsenal of future delinquents just pushed another seven embryos into the womb of a 49-year-old woman! What is this doctor doing? Does he want to overpopulate the Earth? Does he hold stock in diaper companies? Somebody stop this man! He’s creating far too much life. Whatever happened to the days when having a kid was hard work? It took weeks, or months, to finally get a kid in the can. And you only had one, and you liked it. We’re not collecting action figures here. Stop it.
Sister Mary Prays for Grey's
What a way to ruin the weekend…
Aw, this is really sad news. The executive producers of Grey’s Anatomy say Katherine Heigl’s and TR Knight’s departures are only rumors. Nothing to see here. Move along, folks. We were feeling so good about all of this, but now the wind’s deflated out of our sails. It’s not too late Grey’s. You can take it back, give ‘em both the boot and we’ll all celebrate! Right now? Looks like going into Valentine’s weekend, Grey’s just broke my heart.
The Pole-r Express
What a way to ruin a bathroom…
Yech. Children, we here at the convent are a little shaky on whether or not we approve of Kate Hudson’s pole-dancing antics. We don’t have a problem with poles, really. Pole dancing actually seems healthy. But Kate Hudson pole dancing? That must be a sin. What’s worse, the B-level romcom star installed the thing in her bathroom. Does she give it a good whirl after a shower? Before she brushes her teeth? Why not put it in a basement or an exercise room? So confusing, children.
And the Song Medley Goes To…
Not Peter Gabriel. The old, legendary singer just turned down the job after being told he’d have to sing the three nominated songs in a three-minute medley at this year’s Oscars. Each song would get approximately 65 seconds! Look, Pete’s a great singer, but can he do these hits justice in a fraction of the time? No way in heck. I know the right guy to do a song medley. You can’t beat him: Weird Al Yankovich. You’re trying to up the ratings, right? Nobody brings in the viewers like the man and his accordian. I pray for you, Oscars.
The Prayer List - Thursday Edition - 2/12/2009
Nip / Yuck
It doesn’t matter if you’re black, or white, or even bleeding bright red out of your pores.
Wow! Children, I know in these hard times you’re already feeling stretched thin, but we really need your prayers on this one! The Sun is reporting Michael Jackson is battling with a flesh-eating disease. How is that even possible? He has enough money to buy a gagillion Zimbabwe funbucks and he’s lived in voluntary solitary for about twenty years. Where the heck would he contract something out of the movie Outbreak? The man has had a lot of surgery, but unless he’s been operated on while lying in the Ganges River, this is ridiculous. Please, pray for the man before he turns into Demon Jackson from Thriller!
Not walking the line anymore
Joaquin Phoenix upgraded to Code Britney!
Sound the alarms! Strike the bells! Grab your rosary! This Joaquin problem is more dangerous than we thought! After watching Joaquin Phoenix on Dave Letterman last night, it’s clear the man has gone gonzo. Why Code Britney? Well, he’s done the opposite of shaving his head, but it is just as horrifying. What are we to do with this one? At least when Britney acted out, she just did it. Shaved head, banging on cars, screaming at home. Okay, we got it. But Joaquin is like a wild card. Will he hold an impromptu rap concert in an art museum? Eat a live bear? Send Dave Letterman a bomb in the mail? It’s all up in the air! We’ve gotta pray, and I don’t even know what for yet!
Hammer Pants & Ice?!
1991 is back with a vengeance.
In Utah, for one night only, prepare yourselves for the greatest show that should have happened nearly twenty years ago. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice will team up for a concert called Hammer Pants and Ice! That is not a joke. It sounds like a alternate version of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Believers, we must go there. Sister Agnes placed a swear jar in the kitchen to raise money, but it’s only a week away! This is a once-in-a-lifetime event! Pray for us, children! Or, you know, at least swear!
Way to a kick a gal when she’s down. As we linger in Project Runway purgatory, European designers have come out of the wool-work to take Heidi Klum down a heel inch or two. Their big insult? “Heidi Klum? Never heard of her!” That’s right – they’re actually feigning ignorance. There’s no better way to send a celebrity home crying than to act like they don’t exist. It’s just like getting rid of a ghost! Even Claudia Shiffer is acting like she doesn’t know Heidi Klum. What’s wrong with all these people? Don’t they watch TV? Watch – next they’ll say they don’t watch Charm School. That’s the show we sisters were meant to host!
You've Been Paltrow'd!
Thou shalt not steal, even if what you’re stealing is really lame.
Uh-oh. Somebody’s angry at Gwyneth Paltrow, and this time it isn’t Sister Mary (she held a long grudge after having to watch Sliding Doors all the way through while waiting for the Nunmobile to get fixed up at Jiffylube). No, it’s some other lady – the owner of a website called the Weekly Beat. Essentially an eat-healthy website, she showed it off to a few friends, Gwyneth got the scent, and the Oscar winner muscled together a knock-off called GOOP. Now Weekly Beat Lady wants to sue! What is with this couple and theft? Wasn’t it Chris Martin who stole that song and put it on his latest Coldplay album? Granted, an eat-healthy website is hardly revolutionary. Maybe Gwyn did get inspired from the Weekly Beat, but who cares? You can’t wave a copyright in somebody’s face because you told them to eat more spinach. Get over it, Weekly Beat. Think of it this way: GOOP will fail and here’s why: who wants to look like that walking matchstick Gwyneth Paltrow, anyway?
Dream Team Project – Unite!
Some things were just meant to go together: peanut butter & jelly. Bravo & Project Runway (why did the good times have to end?). Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze Jr. And now this: Twilight follow-up New Moon and the Jonas Brothers. This is like a perfect storm of preteen tidal waves! Children, you should all be thanking your lucky stars for such an offering. Add a dash of Zac Efron and a Twitter account and this whole thing might just explode with pimples and iPods! I guess you’ve all been extra good this month, children. Keep it up!
World War Ew
My fellow faithful, I’ve never been quite so confused on how to think about a movie. Mr. Tarantino’s mouthy little trailer for his new movie Inglourious …uh… Basterds (that word’s in the bible) actually makes me feel sorry for the Nazis. How are they ever going to survive under the fist of Brad Pitt? And a Southern Brad Pitt at that! Does he age backwards? Is this actually a missing chapter in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Just thinking about Nazi scalps makes me grow weary. I’ll pray for the movie, children. I hope you will, too.
See it and pray: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TadvFY3rA8
The Prayer List - Wednesday Edition - 2/11/2009
Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Praise and Joy! TR Knight and Katherine Heigl will soon be leaving Grey’s Anatomy and marching back to the slums of Hollywood from whence they came. Seriously, Kat’s kicked and screamed her way through that hospital for at least two years. She strikes me as the kinda gal where everything’s a problem. Somebody singing off key? Somebody misuse a pronoun? Did you eat multigrain instead of 5-grain? Beware the Wrath of Heigl. Grey’s writers, boot her off right: I recommend alien abduction. Maybe sitting in a UFO observation room will teach her a thing or two about a doctor’s bedside manners.
Out Of Control
Night of the Living Tots
While Pitt and Jolie bathed in cries of praise at the BAFTAs in London, the Jolie-Pitt kids just plain cried. There, at the tip top of the Dorchester Hotel, a maid struggled to watch over the Anointed Ones while they terrorized sleeping neighbors and pulled apart the hallway decorations. Bad parenting? Or just a bad maid? Tough to call. All of this multi-children frenzy is driving us batty here at the convent. When all these kids hit six years old and the schools fill up, you’ll have to forgive me if my yardstick and the children get a little more friendly than usual.
From Dusk Till Dawn Till Noon
New Moon, Same Crap
Wow. The Twilight follow-up New Moon isn’t even being shot yet, and thousands of fans have already been disappointed. Auditions in Vancouver were cut short for an undisclosed reason at noon-thirty, sending all sorts of die-hards back home. A couple even came all the way from Florida. Were they really so surprised? This is a vampire movie after all. If you can stand outside at high noon without getting a good burn, why would they want you? Maybe they shut down the audition because they realized New Moon is going to fail us all. Boys and girls, I like the Twilight series as much as anyone, but that movie was just plain bad. We pray for the vampires, but I don’t think that’s how prayer works.
Crazy, Yet Dedicated Is Still Crazy.
You’ve got to hand it to Joaquin Phoenix. Long hair? Beard? He even bought a whole sound studio! Joaquin has turned into the Mel Gibson of rap – an insane born-again for his new love in life. Maybe Signs rubbed off on the young man more than we ever knew. He was caught tripping over himself at the airport recently, and former fans shook their heads in shame. What has become of him? We always knew he was crazy, but at least his hair was well kept. Now he looks like a roadie at a Grateful Dead concert. He says he’s done with acting for good, but we know he’ll be back. Have you ever followed these rappers’ careers? They all end up in a terrible movie sooner or later.
Sarah Palin: The Movie in the works. The wardrobe budget will be astronomical!
If you squint your eyes, even now, it might not seem like Sarah Palin lost that pesky November election. Book deals, Alaskan press shoots, and today, the adventure continues: a Sarah Palin movie! Even better: two of them! That’s right. Hollywood has employed the scribe of Milk and the scribe of The Visitor to write dueling scripts and see who can come up with the best Palin Biopic. One will follow Palin’s campaign. The other, Bristol’s pregnancy. I’d like to suggest a third: deer hunting from a helicopter with an assault rifle. BAM. Movie! Get me on the phone with Cecil B. DeMille.
Bad List #1
Will Smith needs no prayers.
As if it was even a question, the folks at Forbes Magazine named Will Smith the most profitable man in Hollywood. No duh. Why do they even make lists like this? We all knew Will Smith was the biggest movie star on the planet. Doesn’t Forbes have anything better to do? Those Forbes people are smart, right? Brainstorm some ways to make the economy work again. Unless your plan consists of Will Smith giving all his money away, throw out this stupid list. I’ve never seen such a useless list. Well, I take that back…
Bad List #2
Neither does Audrey Hepburn.
Ugh. The Queen of all Bad Lists came out today: the Top Screen Beauties of All Time. The only thing pretty about this is that it’s pretty awful. Audrey Hepburn is #1? Please, I know what numbers 1 through 4 should have been like the back of my hand: Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan, and Estelle Getty. And why is Cameron Diaz on here at all? Honey, I’m sure she’s very nice but we can’t have Pizza Face representing the world.
Raggedy Anne & Raggedy Andy
Opposites attract, and apparently, so does garbage.
Wow, Courtney Love stories two days in a row. How did she get back in the limelight while I was out? Welp, the latest report has Courtney making doped-up whoopy with Mickey Rourke. Yech. The heavens must frown on this. If Courtney had wandered into Mickey just a year ago, it’d be the equivalent of her sucking face with a Hooverville hobo. You can put the hobo in the Oscars, but he’s still eat out of your recycle bin. Courtney, I know you’re a pretty messed up ragdoll already, but be careful. Mickey’s got diseases they haven’t even discovered yet.
The Prayer List - Tuesday Edition - 2/10/2009
What the Elle?
Slow and crazy wins the race.
I’m gone for a whole month and a half, trekking through Jerusalem, buildin’ a fortune on bingo, breaking even in Vegas on the Noah’s Arch slot machine, and what do I come back home to find?! Courtney Love winning Elle’s Woman of the Year! Why are we encouraging her? She’s an affront to fashion! A style nightmare! Did Elle decide to switch gears and pander to the insane asylum subscribers? We get it – Courtney’s a free spirit. Dresses how she wants. Does her own thing. Let that be an award in and of itself. We don’t need to pat Courtney on her clammy back for looking like a drug-induced cashier at Hot Topic.
The Fast & The Curious
That’s what happens when you don’t pay at Denny’s.
Anybody else catch the car chase in LA last night? I thought for sure it was a runaway Sister Agnes. Every Monday night, the girl orders her late-night Grand Slam and ditches the waitress. She means well – she prays afterward, honest. But alas, Agnes was clear of the car chase. It couldn’t be her! The car was a BENTLEY! Cops cruised behind as the whole brigade traveled in a 20mph funeral procession while they waited for the mysterious criminal to pull over. No spikes in the street, no road blocks, nothing. Know why? It has to be a CELEBRITY. We pray for the mysterious midnight racer as this story continues to unfold.
Ignore Your Basic Instincts
Who Wants To Steal A Little Indian Boy?
Oh, honey. What’s come over you? Sharon Stone’s transformation into Norma Desmond is finally complete. At a recent awards show, the aging, fading 1980s fantasy followed 18-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Dev Patel around like a lost fluffy puppy. Or maybe it just looked that way because of the fur she wrapped around her neck. Flirting and chatting it up, Sharon went so far as to playfully slap Dev across the face. Thankfully, Dev nodded, smiled and ran away as fast as he could. PETA? Patel? What's the difference? Neither one likes you very much. Which is it, Sharon? You hate China, but you love little Indian boys. Make up your mind! You and Asia have serious issues.
Ah, the ol’ routine Brazilian surgery.
Poor Usher. Poor Tameka, too. The pop star and his wife got wise the hard way when Tameka suffered surgery complications. No telling what the damage is yet, but it was important enough for Usher to hop out of whatever abs-showing contest he was winning and take the first flight out to Brazil. Huh? Brazil? Honey, I’ve been to Brazil back in my Peace Corp days and it is not all it’s cracked up to be. The sisters and I were searching out clubs, parties, anywhere they might serve a cocktail. Nothing but sadness and despair, children! The couple reported it was just a “routine surgery,” but come now. The only routine surgery I saw in Brazil was the occasional stolen kidney. We pray for the couple, because if something did go wrong, it is a shame. Let’s just skip on the little white lies.
She's Just Not That Into Being Healthy
Scarlett Johansson has never been on a diet and never been in a gym. Also, she is a liar.
While plugging her new movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, ScarJo single-handedly endangered the lives of every little girl who reads In Touch magazine. When asked how she takes care of herself, Scarlett exclaimed, “I don’t! I eat lard with sugar on top, sit in a waterbed all day injecting fat into my veins, and I watch Days of Our Lives!” Alright, she didn’t go that far but she might as well have. No food and no exercise? Puh-lease. What kind of message are you sending to your fans? The young ones, who want to eat ice cream all day and read In Touch magazine cover to cover? Do you want them to blimp out into sad, self-loathing ScarJo superfans? And watch yourself, while you’re at it. Wait until you hit your thirties. Forget Translations, you’ll be Lost in Trans-Fat!
Bad Miley! Bad!
“I’m so sorry the Chinese have goofy faces.” Ooh, wrong move.
Well, once again, the Miley Cyrus tour van has been told to tiptoe over eggshells after Miley so thoughtlessly simulated slanted eyelids with a group of friends. How can we venture forth in the Age of Obama when pop stars make fun of foreigners? The naïve little girl further complicated things when she said they were only making “goofy faces.” C’mon, Miley! Now the Chinese look goofy? Why don’t you just make fun of their mothers while you’re at it? Please, pray for the girl so she’ll say “I’m sowwy” and shut up as fast as she can.
Gotta Catch 'Em All
Note to Mom: Babies are not Pokemon.
What’s this I hear about the mother who artificially charmed herself with an extra eight infants? Fourteen children in all! Oh, my! I know it’s been talked about to death by now, but being that the Mom is a 15-minute celebrity, it’s only right we here at CPL extend our arms in a prayer of newborn bearing. Listen woman, let’s stop at fourteen. I’m sure it’s fun to cherry-pick more children out of the womb, but this isn’t like a stamp collection. Let’s focus now on raising these rapscallions right, so at least one of them cares enough about you to return the favor when you’re old and gray.
Think of the Children!
Note to Judge: Britney is still crazy.
So, let me get this straight. By telling a judge she’s about to embark on a national tour that will no doubt stress her back into insanity again, Brit has temporarily won 50/50 custody of her children?! Prayer works in mysterious ways! There really is no better place for children to frolic than the dangerous, crowded backstage areas of massive stadiums and the cramped, uncomfortable living quarters of tour vans. I’m sure they’ll enjoy the curse-laced jokes of the tour’s drum techs and PA’s. All this, and what does K-Fed get in return? $5k a week! How did everyone win in this scenario? Everyone but the children, anyway. Here they are, pulled away from whatever friends they had at home so they can cry of boredom with mommy in her dressing room. What great parents. Take that as a lesson, Mother-of-14. This couple can’t even handle two. What the heck are you gonna do?
The Prayer List - Holiday Edition - See You In 2009
The Bethlehem Pilgrimmage – it’s like going to Mecca, but more gingerbread.
Yes, all ye prayers and devoted readers, it’s that special time of the year where we sisters pack our bags and head to the manger Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John couldn’t stop gabbin’ about. Packed with a dozen chocolate-packed Advent calendars and a few bottles of communal wine, we’ll venture past the hills and valleys of America, across the stormy Atlantic Ocean, and through the winding roads of Israel to Bethlehem. Because that’s what this holiday is really all about – stressful, unnecessary travel. Pray for us, children, and have a Merry Christmas season!
Not Buyin' It
Alex + Madonna > Friends
Read the title, do the math. Alex Rodriguez tried to pull a fast one on us and diffuse the hook-up rumors between he and former Miss Ritchie, but we’re not buyin’ it. “We’re friends. That’s it,” he says. Alex, maybe you don’t understand what “friend” means in Madonna’s world. A Madonna “friend” has benefits (or a death sentence, depending on how you look at it) of being at her beck and call for any favor, no matter how graphic in nature. A Madonna “friend” adheres to Kaballah rules and privately speaks to her only as “Madame.” A Madonna “friend” will quickly be disposed of when the Pop Queen grows tired. So Alex, being a “friend” is nothing to confess or accept. It’s something that will require a few Hail Mary’s and a good day-and-a-half of confession. Just fair warning.
Does Not Compute
Paris + No Name < Friends
Same idea, different math. That’s right, nuns can do math. The Big Guy created numbers for nuns. They’re like the bible verses of space! And you ever see a rosary? That’s all about counting and praying – the perfect companions. I can tell you one person who doesn’t know math – Paris Hilton. Only in her world does Paris +1 defy “2” and remain a +1. That is definitely true for her new fake BFF Brittany Flickinger, seen following Paris around like a lost puppy the last few days. The math is already out for how long this charade will last. Does it go into 2009? Do they have to do a season of The Simple Life together? What’s the details? We need to know! Don’t get us wrong – we don’t care much for the fake friend with the awful last name. We just want to know how long we have to pray for twice the Paris. They better not be best friends…forever.
Full House 2 and the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth.
You can tell E/R’s shutting down because John Stamos is on the make and taking matters into his own hands. That’s what you gotta do when you’re essentially unhirable otherwise. Sorry John, but you got lucky with E/R – they had already hired every other actor on the planet. Now he’s pitching a Full House reunion with I-fell-off-the-face-of-the-Earth DJ and crack-addict Stephanie, portraying young women. I think the Brady Bunch did this in the 80s. Not so great, guys. Please, take a raincheck. This post-9/11 TV climate isn’t for you! Back in your heyday, people clamored for upbeat shows like Full House and Family Matters. Now it’s all 24, Lost, and The Shield. Different world, John Stamos. Unless Stephanie and DJ are meeting back up in the San Francisco projects slinging crack on the side, you’re in for a rude return.
Beyonce Knowles = $$$
Beyonce Knowles made at least $80 million dollars this year. That’s more than what most towns in America made this year. People can go their entire lives, working hard and honest, every day, and even if you count every penny they ever made, you wouldn’t reach half that. Meanwhile, Beyonce models, dances, and sings her way to a dozen Olympic-sized swimming pools filled to the brim with hundred dollar bills. I have a problem with this, children. While we rightfully shame foolish, incompetent CEOs on Wall Street for making a few million a year, we have no problem with Beyonce stuffing herself with astronomically more. Nevermind that she works less and contributes far less to society than most of these executives – she’s a celebrity with good publicity, and that makes it “okay.” Maybe she should be volunteering to work for a dollar. Well, my fellow faithful, that’s where I draw the line. This list is made for celebrities who need our prayers – need being the operative word here. Beyonce, with that kind of disgusting, undeserved cash, you’re on your own.
The Prayer List - Thursday Edition - 12/04/2008
It’s not pretty, but hey, we’ll take it!
Bless Discovery Channel’s heart! Children, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and remember the blessed year of 2006. It was that summer the world reached critical mass in Da Vinci Code popularity – the movie came out, books were published that amended books that gave background onto the original book, and networks like Discovery Channel played special mini-series docs on endless loops. For someone who can’t be bothered with books or anything beyond a 2nd grade reading level like Jessica Simpson, that was perfect! Indeed, it was the Dirty Jobs-esque touch of Discovery that made Jessica a true believer in religion. Now the failed country “star” wants to take some classes on theology and expand her horizons! You know, it’s baby steps with this girl, but that’s fine with us! It’s not like she was able to grasp the more provocative parts of The Da Vinci Code - we’ll be ushering her into the cloister in no time! Oh, happy day!
The Grammys have gone to hell.
Well, I guess the Grammies went to hell a long time ago. It’s more like the Grammy’s went to Hell’s hell. Or maybe the Grammys are hell. Whatever the case, this much is clear: Lil Wayne has 8 nominations. Eight. This is an issue. Most of those categories better be deceptive. Like, Dumbest Album or Song You Play While Waterboarding a Detainee. It can’t be people actually laud these tracks as little masterpieces, right? Look, I don’t hate rap music. That’s not what this is about. This is about giving bad music a Grammy… Wait, what am I defending the Grammy for? That award’s like an insult. Alright, forget what I said. Just give ‘em all to Lil Wayne.
Hurricane Jennifer’s reign of terror continues.
Marley & Me must be really awful because Jen Aniston can’t stop trying to sell it to us! The last month and a half has been pure unadulterated Aniston on the loose, plugging her movie, kicking ass, and taking names. Exhibit A –Jen uses Vogue as a platform to say how “uncool” Angelina is. Then, when Vogue slaps the quote on the cover, Jen attacks Vogue for going “tabloid!” Who else will be victim to Jen’s aggressive attacks? Poor John Mayer? Reporters at Marley & Me press junkets? Babies? She just did a bare-all interview with Entertainment Weekly, so watch out – that could be Victim #3. This is getting out of hand. I preferred the quiet, turn-the-other-cheek Jennifer – the one that got cheated on, shoved down, and kicked to the dirt every step of the way. Just let this awful movie come out already so she returns to the meek push-around we’ve come to love.
Non-Celebrity Prayer #2: Jason Alexander
Before you grow anxious, children, please don’t be alarmed. With this and Blake, this is not a new trend. We won’t pray for every no-name and 15-minuter that creeps across the Hollywood skyline. But this is a special case! Britney’s first husband of a solid 55 hours has been arrested for a DUI. Not worthy of our prayers in and of itself, but think of where this is going: if they find him to be an alcoholic, they’ll encourage him to go to AA. Sooner or later, he’s gonna take the 12 steps and get to that one where you apologize to everybody. And do you think Britney is able to take on those sort of memories right now? Bringing back her Vegas mistake is a huge problem! She’s getting better, but she’s fragile. Keep the apology to yourself, Jason. Thanks.
Aaaaand that’s enough Phelps. Thanks! Go away now.
My fellow faithful, I don’t want to play this card here, but we are too cool to be praying for the most overexposed swimmer of the century. When we include Phelps on the list, it’s to pray for the collateral damage – homeless families, ailing businesses, large breakfasts… The latest, and hopefully last notable news has come in: Sports Illustrated has named Michael Phelps the Sportsman of the Year. You know, because there were so many other stellar examples, like Shoot-Me-in-the-leg Plaxico Burress. Regardless, let this be the end of Phelps Phever, please! Put him back underwater! I’m not saying drown him – I don’t think that’s possible. But please – take the medals and the Wheaties and the magazine covers swim off to some private island.
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